how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
