just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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