My friends, they love my intelligence
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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