i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
