o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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