What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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