My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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