Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She told me I should be a condom model.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
