no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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