I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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