grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
