he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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