I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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