I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
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