Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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