Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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