The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
