you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
