why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
