im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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