if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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