Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
