I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
