my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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