k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
