He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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