Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
