I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
