I accidentally had phone sex last night
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
