I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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