i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
