At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
