Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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