Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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