Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
