Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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