I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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