No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
