its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
BRING THE BAGELS
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
