My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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