Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
There's even glitter on my cock...
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