You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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