Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
