i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
