Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
