i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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