How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
