A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
