I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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