hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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