just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
